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Interview Your Parents

How?
Steps ->

1) Make an appointment with 1 of your parents. Not two at once.

2) Discuss a location. Preferably a familiar place from childhood.

3) Make a list of questions.

4) Make sure you can record it, and discuss in advance.

5) First, read my own experience below

6) There are sample questions at the bottom of the page

Why?

Avoid Regrets

Understanding your parents is part of understanding yourself

I have regularly spoken to people, who regret, that they never asked certain questions of their parent(s). For example, you may be left with questions when your parents are deceased, ill or if the contact is not there. At the bottom of this page is a list of sample questions, for inspiration. I asked some of these questions myself during conversations with my parents. Of course, questions also arose on the spot as I continued to ask them.

Some considerations:

I strongly recommend interviewing 1 parent at a time. That results in a completely different conversation than with two parents.
Do it in a place, where someone feels safe, familiar and preferably where your parent grew up.
Record the conversation with video and/or audio and take notes.

As part of a training to become a trainer in systemic work, among other things, I was assigned to conduct a conversation, interview with my father. I suggested to my father to meet in the city in which he grew up and where I myself have not been very often, Leiden.

I had prepared the interview with questions I wanted to ask and took notes during the interview. In retrospect, I would have been better off recording it.

I started with his childhood and asked fairly “easy” questions. At least, for someone not used to talking about personal topics.

Mijn Ervaring
Een Interview in de kroeg

In Conversation with your Parents – René Diekstra

René Diekstra has written a book on this subject. I have not read the book myself, and René never interviewed his parents because they had already died when he came up with this idea. 😉 Still, I think it could be a useful book. That’s what my intuition tells me. If anyone has read it, I’d love to hear a reasoned opinion.

If your parents are no longer alive, or …

… for some other reason you cannot speak to them (e.g., dementia) you can do the following:

Find people who knew them well. Brothers, sisters, other relatives, friends and approach them for an interview about your parents.

Think about your father or mother and then silently ask yourself this, “What do I really know about you?
Go to your parents ... and ask for an interview, gain the experience that they probably find exciting and meaningful, and conclude afterwards that you've gotten to know not only them but yourself better. - Renée Diekstra

Sample Questions!

Youth

What comes to mind when you think of growing up in [hometown]?
What did you like to do as a child (elementary school period)?
What was mom like?
What do you remember most about your mother?
What was most important to her?
What was your father like?
What do you remember most about your father?
What was important to him?
What do you remember most about your teenage years?
What did you like to do in high school?
What message would your mom and dad have for you and their offspring?

Adult

How did you meet [spouse] and did you know he/she was the one?
How did you choose your career and what was your favorite part of it?
What made you successful at work?
What did you believe about yourself that helped you become successful / cope with difficult times?
What do you remember about when each of us was born?
Were you ever afraid of being a parent?
What did you think was important regarding our parenting?
What three events shaped your life the most?
What moments in your life have really tested your courage
What did you learn about yourself from those trials?
What do you think the world needs more of now?
What were the three best decisions you ever made?
What are you most proud of in your life?
What were five of the most positive moments in your life?
What are you most grateful for?
Are there any topics we haven’t discussed that are important?